Workshop Offers a Look at Restorative Practices

Sitting in a circle in the classroom at Calvin College, participants in the Restorative Practices workshop talked about how hard it can be to resolve conflicts in a church.

Often, conflicts simmer and don’t get addressed in a constructive way. They get swept under the rug.

Workshop participants pointed to disagreements over Sunday school or worship styles that can hide such things as intense personality clashes.

Kate Kooyman, restorative justice coordinator for the CRC, said she knows that this happens — and that churches suffer because of it.

“Our churches are made up of people; people have conflicts. But pastors, leaders, and members lack the skills needed to walk through conflicts in a way that allows God to strengthen relationships,” said Kooyman during the recent “Leadership Training event 2015: Remain in My Love.”
The event, which drew about 300 church leaders from across West Michigan, was sponsored by Christian Reformed Home Missions and Volunteers in Service.

In her session, Kooyman sketched restorative practices approaches that church leaders can learn in order to resolve conflicts.

“We can view conflict as wrong or view it as an opportunity to grow. We can welcome it,” she said. “With God’s help, and tools that you can learn, you can find a way forward.”

Kooyman said restorative practices involve being willing to stop keeping score and set aside grievances in order for people affected by a situation to sit down and speak honestly, but with love, to one another.

“We don’t want a reactive atmosphere when people sit down to talk,” she said. “We want it to be interactive.”

When doing this, she said, it is important “to be aware of your role and responsibility” in a conflict and be willing to own it and not put the blame on others.

Keep in mind as well, said Kooyman, that restorative practices are not about people “winning or losing.”

“Instead, a person’s deepest desire is often to be seen and to be known.”

She also said it is valuable to recognize the importance of good leadership in helping people in the church to deal with conflict.

“There are times when church leaders seek harmony at the cost of engagement,” she said. “We need leaders who can be firm, but wise.”

There are many reasons why conflicts happen and how people justify them, she said. For instance, people might look to God as the source of a conflict, saying whatever happened was God’s will.

“Sometimes we can spiritualize a conflict as a way to avoid it,” she said.

“Sometimes we use what we see as God’s truth as a way to avoid having the hard conversations with one another.”

When a church is ready and open to use restorative practices, these tools can have an important unifying effect on a church. But it is important to know that it a slow process.

“By and large, churches aren’t developing the skills to do this,” said Kooyman.  “But when we learn to do this, we can feel like we are doing the gospel.”

Kooyman invited everyone attending her workshop to sign up for a three-day restorative practices training event being held from Oct. 7-10 at the Grand Rapids office of the CRC.

“I’m only giving you an overview tonight, but this training will allow you to learn more and to use these practices in your church,” she said.