Conflict, Forgiveness, Love

Maryanne’s aging parents are still independent but they need more support than ever. Her dad has a complicated health history including diabetes and a recent recurrence of cancer.

Maryanne has four siblings who all live within an hour’s drive to their parents; however, Maryanne is the child who seems to always take her parents to the doctor and who is in contact daily with her parents.

Maryanne cooks three meals a week for her folks and stops by to check on them almost every day. She is married and is also managing her own household and works full time. Not to mention, Maryanne has recently had a lot of added responsibilities with her daughter’s extracurricular school activities.

Recently, she asked her siblings if they could take over some of the duties of supporting their parents during a particularly hectic month. None of her siblings stepped up to the plate and each had excuses that did not seem valid. Once again, Maryanne was stretched thin with responsibilities and work that left her exhausted and experiencing many emotions — hurt, frustration, betrayal.

But, especially, she was angry, and this anger was turning into a deep resentment.

What could she do about it? For that matter, what can any of us do when we are mad, and when that anger ends up becoming a festering resentment?

Do we intend to stay ticked off indefinitely? Well, actually an awful lot of us do indeed stay ticked off — sometimes for weeks and even years. We just can’t seem to let things go. We have the capacity to stew on offenses and sometimes develop deep pockets of resentment or lack of forgiveness that research shows actually hurts our health over time.

In my role with Cancer Treatment Centers of America, we see how resentments turn into hate that can actually hurt health.

Those who do not forgive show an increase in sympathetic nervous system responses and release more stress hormones over a longer period. In other words, if I don’t forgive someone who has hurt me, the one who will suffer the most is me.

So it is important for our friend Maryanne’s own health and well-being to be able to find forgiveness toward her siblings who have let her down.

But this isn’t easy for her — or for any of us.

You might wonder: If it is liberating and beneficial to forgive, why might Maryanne resist something that is good for her? This might be hard for all of us to admit, but harboring an offense can actually feel good.

One of the reasons can be self-righteousness. If we are really honest, sometimes we enjoy feeling that we are better than someone else. If Maryanne forgives her siblings, she may sacrifice her sense of being “right.”

When we hold onto a grudge, it feels like we are in control, although in the long run we end up being the ones controlled by the very offense that has hurt us.

Another reason Maryanne might resist forgiving her siblings is the false notion that forgiveness means that she has to let them off the hook. But forgiveness does not mean that hurt and injustices are allowed to continue.

A person who forgives does not need to deny that injustice or wrongdoing occurred. 

Truly, forgiveness is a one-sided emotional transaction. The debt of the person who has offended is cancelled which results in peace of mind and heart for the one who forgives.

So if Maryanne forgives her siblings, it is not a denial of the pain of their offenses. Rather, the offense is acknowledged with a sacrificial and costly willingness to absorb the debt without demanding repayment.

How will someone in Maryanne’s situation find the power to forgive? A great place to start is to remember how completely we have been forgiven.

“Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us” is a powerful line from Jesus’ prayer from the Sermon on the Mount. One way to forgive is to remember our own humanity and frailty.

All of us who are loved well are also known well and that means we are not loved because we are perfect, but rather “warts and all.” If we meditate long enough on being loved by God and others, it will create the space in our hearts to do likewise and to “forgive those who have trespassed against us.”

“For we know, brothers loved by God, that he has chosen you, because our gospel came to you not simply with words, but also with power, with the Holy Spirit and with deep conviction.” 1 Thes 1:4

This good news is the antidote to those personal grudges birthed in the soil of self-righteousness. The offenses Maryanne feels are real. Her emotions have all been “trespassed” on by her siblings. Her flesh will naturally want to hold on to the grudge and seek retribution — especially in her heart. 

Maryanne needs a power beyond herself in order to forgive. And, thankfully, she has the power of God dwelling within her through the Holy Spirit.  

Maryanne has begun to see that she is made complete, righteous, clean, and totally loved by the work of Christ on her behalf. 

Recalling the Lord’s mercy and sacrifice has prompted her to become more intentional about confession of her own sin. 

She is better able to admit to God some of the darker pleasures she experiences when feeling superior to her siblings. Maryanne is also receiving God’s grace to forgive her siblings. She finds herself approaching them these days with a cleaner heart that is not so dependent on their response to her.

This post is based on an article written by Drew Angus that was originally published by Cancer Treatment Centers of America. Angus is the director of spiritual outreach for Cancer Treatment Centers of America in Philadelphia, Pa. During the last decade, he has also been the Eastern regional leader for Christian Reformed Home Missions. He is an ordained minister in the CRC and an elder at Spirit and Truth Fellowship CRC in Philadelphia, Pa.